I want to sleep and dream alone (week notes 006)

Doing

• I was at school one day this week for an orientation for some student leaders.
• I went to Six Flags and realized I’m old; my tolerance for roller coasters is, suddenly, shockingly low.
• Feeling extreme relief but also guilt for being such an introvert — lately I feel I’m an anti-social loner, but friends have reassured me that these feelings are normal and everyone enjoys and protects their alone time (to an extent, depending on the person). All I really want to do is be alone in my house, left to do my silly little projects.
• I’m trying still to move away from big, corporate social media — I have been spending more time on Mastodon and the bearblog discover feed. I’ve scarcely opened Twitter, and I’ve set 30m app timers for Facebook and Instagram. I rarely hit it for either, but something about knowing the timer is there makes me more conscious of the time I’m wasting on them. I’m not happy yet with my screen time as a whole, but at least I feel I’m seeing more of real people (and people I choose to follow) than algorithms and dark patterns.
• On Friday, I went to IKEA with a friend and my sister to get some things for the house and a few items for my classroom.
• I intended to go into school on Saturday and begin some of the physical setup I need to do, but I felt sick and exhausted. I took a COVID test (negative) — I’m hoping it’s just holdover from a long day of driving on Friday.

Reading

• Studying to be a teacher in the modern day by Sparrow. I feel the same about teaching as Sparrow: it’s a hard career to choose in today’s education system and economic climate, but teaching is so intrinsically part of me that I can’t see myself doing anything else. Even with the stress, the low pay, the poor working conditions, I love it.
• What a demure, mindful, and brat summer by Kayla. Great introspective piece on trends and shifting mindsets. As I get older, I’m less connected to fads (especially because I’m not on TikTok and have curated my social media feeds), but I do try hard to understand them — I never want to be someone who brushes things off as “kids these days” absurdity and who blames the younger generation for every societal woe. Brat summer and demure sound silly, but there’s importance in trying to understand what matters to young people¹ — and we can only reach state of cooperation and harmony through mutual understanding and respect.
• Help! I Invited My Coworkers Into a Very Personal Part of My Life. Now I Really Regret It. by Hillary Frey. I read Dear, Prudence often to satisfy my busybody tendencies and, occasionally, to talk through social quandaries with my partner. The first letter here hit particularly hard; I am a teacher and regularly have coworkers ask super invasive questions about my family planning. I’m friends with someone who went through IVF and she’s opened my eyes to how these “innocent questions” (they’re not) can hurt folks dealing with infertility. I’m not, but even I find questions about whether I’m trying for a baby super invasive!
• finding kindness online by ava. A great piece about connection in gaming. I have baggage with video game-centric spaces online, but this gives me some hope.

Watching

• America’s Next Too Model, cycle 1. Mostly passive viewing while folding laundry, but cycle 1 has a special quality. It feels less like a reality show and more like a documentary about what it’s like to be on a reality show. The budget is clearly low and the show hadn’t established its structure just yet, so the contestants learn how the show works along with us. It feels grounded and authentic — for a season of Top Model, that is.
• Into the Aether’s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke Joe and I are continuing this and still really loving it!

Playing

• Final Fantasy XIV. I’m slowly working through the post-Stormblood patch content. Joe is still playing through A Realm Reborn, so I’m levelling Warrior to do dungeons alongside him as a new class. I’m enduring the slow, painful grind of levelling my Squadrons, too. I like the concept of Squadrons — they remind me of my beloved Final Fantasy Tactics Advance,² but unfortunately there is very little variety and a lot of waiting involved here.
• Pokémon White Version. I was inspired to jump into a Pokémon game by the Nuzlocke Joe and I are watching. I’ve never really played White; maybe a year ago I did the first three gyms, but I remember none of it. I started it over on Saturday night.

Listening

Nothing really specific — just some shuffles. I have, however, started tracking my listening data to listenbrainz!